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The Downside of The Golden Rule
If applied verbatim, the golden rule can backfire and actually cause personality conflicts. Why? Treating people the way you’d like to be treated means dealing with others from your own perspective. It implies we’re all alike.
Instead, we should honor the real intent of The Golden Rule. The key to lasting success in business, and the secret to better relationships, is to apply The Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they’d like done unto them.”
At the root of The Platinum Rule is this: Each person has his or her own habits and his or her own way of looking at the world.
Getting to Know the Four Basic Styles
Keep in mind these three points when considering basic personality styles:
- These are not judgments. None of these styles is the best, or better than another.
- Learning to read others’ personal styles will give you an enormous advantage in dealing with them. Not because you’re going to manipulate them! Not because you can convincingly change your personal style the way you can change your socks! But because you can learn to slip into the other person’s frame of reference.
- Understanding the four basic styles will allow you to read and respond to others, thus reducing friction.
The Director
Move Over and Let the Big Dog Drink
Directors are firm and forceful, confident and competitive, decisive and determined risk-takers. They are propelled by an inner need to be in charge. Directors leave no doubt who sits at the head of the table. They are excited by action and can out-accomplish anybody.
The Socializer
Let Me Entertain You
Socializers are outgoing, optimistic, enthusiastic people who like to be at the center of things. They are more like entertainers always in search of a good time and a good audience. A chatty, expressive, fun-loving optimist, who loves tossing around ideas—seeking admiration and acceptance. They are fun to be around.
The Relater
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how many friends you have.
Relaters are genial team players who like stability more than risk and who care greatly about relationships with others. They are low-key, calm, and discreet, unlikely to say anything to anger others. Relaters are friendly and personable, and they operate at a slow, steady pace, seldom showing emotional peaks or valleys They love productive routine with stability. Relaters are easy to get along with, as they care deeply about feelings—both yours and theirs. Once committed, the relater is like a bulldog: more than any of the other three types, he or she persists, no matter what.
The Thinker
I’d rather be right than quick.
Thinkers are self-controlled and cautious, preferring analysis over emotion. They are serious, analytical people with long-range goals, who cherish efficiency. Like Directors, they generally prefer tasks over people. Unlike Directors, they are contemplative, cautious, and thorough—sometimes at fault. The key to a good life for them is making careful progress. Thinkers are accurate, dependable, and independent. Their follow-through is excellent. Though a bit standoffish, they’re very close to their few key friends. Thinkers prefer to plan everything, even spontaneity.
Knowing how to listen and speak in the “language” of those around you is a delightful, useful tool that can be used to resolve differences, maximize strengths, and enjoy a fuller, more successful life by better understanding yourself and the people around you.
How to Adapt to Anyone and Retain Your Own Identity
Adaptability is to be willing and able to bend a bit if that’s what it takes to make a better relationship. It’s a way to work better with a specific person or in a certain situation.
The authors’ research indicates that most people aren’t as adaptable as they think, but they can learn to better develop their adaptability. Studies show that highly flexible people tend to be:
- Confident: Resourceful, have trust in their judgments.
- Tolerant: Don’t judge differing opinions, practices.
- Empathic: Relate to what others are feeling.
- Positive: Hopeful about people, situations, and life.
- Respectful: Understand, accept, and appreciate others.
Inflexible people, on the other hand, are rigid, overly competitive, discontent, and unapproachable.
The “Best” Leadership Style
The best leader isn’t someone with a particular behavioral style, or even some ideal blend of styles. Instead, the best leader is someone who realizes what a job or task requires—and then achieves it! That means working well with others. And that, in turn, means dealing well with all of the personal styles in all sorts of situations.
If you are a direct person (Director or Socializer), make it a point to listen more than you speak, and when you do speak, don’t interrupt, challenge, or push the process along faster than they want it to go.
If you’re an indirect person (Relater or Thinker), you need to pick up the pace. Initiate conversations, give recommendations, avoid beating around the bush. Maintain eye contact, use your firmest handshake, speak strongly and confidently.
The point is: Everybody is easy to please, if you know how.
The Styles Under Stress
Each behavioral styles shows different symptoms of stress and reacts in different ways. Each style has its own characteristic—but usually productive—way of venting.
Directors: When their backs are to the wall, Directors can become dictators. At least that’s how they often appear. But what do they need? Tangible evidence of progress; a fast pace; feeling of control over the situation; results; and that time is being saved.
Socializers: When they have a problem, Socializers may seem overeager and impulsive. Under stress, their primary response may be to disregard the facts about anything you say. That’s the way they appear. Socializers will respond best to: personal attention; a quick pace; affirmation of their position; lots of verbal give-and-take; and seeing that effort is being saved.
Relaters may appear submissive, hesitant, wishy-washy, or even apologetic. Worse yet, they may not even complain openly but just internalize their dissatisfaction. Usually their basic response to high stress is not to make waves but submit. Relaters will be made most comfortable by:
- Assuring them they’re personally okay;
- Promising that the crisis will soon ebb;
- Showing that the new process will be relaxed and pleasant;
- Suggesting that he’s committed to working with them to iron out the problem; and
- Indicating that the “relationship” is being saved.
Thinkers will have complaints that are less direct but with a sharper edge to them. Thinkers tend to recite the chronology of events and the litany of errors they’ve had to endure. How can you lessen tension with Thinkers?
- Suggest that they’re right.
- Explain the process and the details.
- Indicate appreciation of their accuracy and thoroughness.
- Deal with them in a way that permits thorough processing of their key concerns and questions.
- Help them “save face.”
Here are some pointers on how to become more adaptable, how to nudge yourself toward transcending the confines of your own style:
- Welcome, don’t shun, different types of situations or activities. Introduce some novelty into your life by not doing things the same old way.
- Don’t jump to conclusions about people.
- Allow a little ambiguity. When you find yourself in a situation with several possible outcomes or approaches, don’t avoid it—embrace it! Try living with the ambivalence and see what happens. Keep in mind that there’s more than one way to accomplish a task.
- Learn to genuinely listen. Studies show that about three-fourths of what we hear is distorted or quickly forgotten. Failure to listen well is one of the most frequent causes of misunderstandings, mistakes, and missed opportunities. Poor listening creates tension and distrust, and a cycle is created: If you don’t listen, the other person usually stops truly listening too. Good listening, on the other hand, can enrich relationships.
- Focus first on the positives. Develop the habit of focusing on the positive dimensions of others (and yourself). Then say something positive before you say something negative.
If you put the Platinum Rule to practice—and truly treat other people the way they want to be treated—you will improve your leadership, as you shoot for the stars!