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Men’s Relational Toolbox by Michael Smalley (2004)
If your relational toolbox has rusty hinges, you may need a full-scale shopping spree. Even the best of us struggle in one or two areas of relating to those we love. But we’ve found that those areas are often weaknesses that—with the proper tools—can become strengths.
For every relational tool we guys might lack, we possess a different internal tool—usually a factual and practical tool—that makes us independent and skilled at providing and protecting, the two things most of us are best at.
Sadly, when most people talk about the differences between men and women, it’s usually in negative terms. Women are generally seen as having an “inborn relationship manual,” while we see men as stumbling about looking for ways to get along in their relationships. Or, worse yet, we men-bash.
During biblical times, men relied on their problem-solving, take-charge, competitive-drive, and task-oriented tools to get things done. They also used their fact-finding and fact-giving tools—but not always with good results. We guys do much the same today. We give and receive information, then use our other internal tools—the problem-solving, take-charge, competitive-drive, and task-oriented tools—without weighing the relational and emotional ramifications our actions have on those we love.
It’s important for us guys to remember that we have a great need for independence; we value being separate and different. To be competent providers and protectors, we must be able to function independently. In fact, under stress, men often seek solitude or isolation. But this conflicts with a woman’s need for connection. And our internal tools, instead of drawing us toward relational connection, drive us toward independence.
When men are at work—functioning in a you-do-your-job-and-I’ll-do-mine mode—and wives call to discuss something about their children, he reacts. Instead of seeing the call as a chance to connect, he thinks, I need you to do your job. When you call me about the kids, I feel as if I need to do my job and yours too! Men often do not understand that women are successful at home because they connect by verbally processing things. When she called to talk about the kids, she was not asking him to do her job. She was merely trying to connect—to process verbally—so that she could do her job better.
We men have a hard time understanding that because we rarely talk about problems unless we are seeking “expert” advice. Asking for help when we can do something is a sign of weakness. If men and women sought to understand one another better in this regard, stress between them would be greatly reduced!
We’ll take a look at a dozen different relational tools here: the first six are “standard equipment” for men. The last six are tools many men need to add to their toolbox to be more effective in their relationships.
Standard Equipment
1. Fact-Giving Tool
The fact-giving tool is the ability to communicate the facts and nothing but the facts.
Many guys limit their communication to functional communication-or fact giving. It’s been estimated that approximately 60 percent of what you communicate in a given day is factual information. The other 40 percent is sounds, including sighing, stretching, and even snoring.
2. Fact-Finding Tool
According to surveys, here are some examples of what women think of men who overuse their fact-finding tool within their relationships: “He doesn’t care about my feelings…just the facts.”
While the fact-giving and fact-finding tools work great in the workplace, they are not as effective in building and maintaining personal relationships.
3. Take-Charge Tool
What does the take-charge tool look like in the work setting? Research by social psychologists Nancy Henley and Cheris Kramarae shows men are more likely to dominate women socially by interrupting a conversation.
How effective is this tool in enhancing personal relationships?
4. Task-Oriented Tool
Men are more driven by accomplishments than by relationships. In contrast, most women tend to be less task-oriented and more people-oriented. They tend to be more aware of others’ feelings, and they also tend to build their days around the emotional needs of those they love. The tasks before them will always take a backseat to the emotions of their loved ones.
5. Problem-Solving Tool
Women are usually more concerned about how problems are solved than if they are solved. The process of solving a problem can strengthen or weaken a relationship.
Men have a tendency to dominate and to assume authority in a problem-solving process. They are not often focused on the quality of relationships while solving problems. Women say, “Instead of just listening, he tries to fix my problems.”
If you tend to be so task oriented that you sometimes treat the ones you love more as problems to be solved than people, don’t despair—there is hope for you.
6. Competitive-Drive Tool
Men need to be reminded that when it comes to work and competitive events, we should use our competitive-drive tool sparingly, keeping in mind that we are competing with real people.
God created us for relationships, right? So why didn’t he equip us with the proper tools? The answer is this: we are all sinners. And over time, men were drawn to the things we excelled at—providing and protecting—while women were drawn to the things they excelled at—relationships.
World-famous cardiologist Dr. Dean Ornish says anything that promotes a sense of isolation leads to illness and suffering. And anything that promotes a sense of love, intimacy, connection, openness, and community is healing. So, what kind of tools do we men need to add to our toolbox to develop close relationships with the people we love?
Tools to Add to Our Relational Toolbox
1. Open-Sharing Tool
The open-sharing tool involves sharing your own deep personal feelings and needs and expressing the ways you value a person you love.
Fact is, men have a difficult time relating their own feelings and may feel threatened when others express their feelings. This may cause men to react by withdrawing or attempting to control the situation. But it doesn’t mean we should make excuses and stop trying to learn and grow.
The open-sharing tool is vital to any good relationship because it helps us guys talk. It helps us talk about the small details of our lives, explore our motives, and articulate our feelings. All of these “skills” can help us relate better to the people we love.
Jesus understood the art of open sharing. He, better than any of them at the table that night, knew what was ahead—what terrible, dark moments lay just around the corner. And because he loved his friends, he shared with them. Not one-word answers, but deep thoughts, straight from his heart.
Recognize that some settings and occasions make you more aware of your feelings than others. These times may include a leisurely dinner or meal with your loved one, a long walk, a friend’s wedding, a reunion, after an emotional movie or song or book, or after a church service. These are the times to make use of the open-sharing tool.
2. Patient-Listening Tool
Patient listening is developing an interest in another person’s feelings and needs and seeking to understand the motivations of the heart.
In Genesis 1:27, we see a very important truth: God designed us for relationships. He created us in his own image. That means, among other things, that we are relational beings.
Women speak an average of 30,000 words a day while men speak about 12,000. By the end of the workday, men have spent nearly all their words. We come home for the most part tired and drained, looking for a place to recharge for the next day’s battle at the office. Most women, however, are just warming up. They have thousands of words left to speak. While men often assume that giving advice and fixing problems are the best ways to show love, women often just want someone to listen to them.
The patient-listening tool makes listening a priority in our relationships. It helps us hear not just words but also the meaning behind the words. It helps us take a genuine interest in what our loved ones are saying.
Look at Jesus’ response to his friends’ grief: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Jesus had patiently, carefully, kindly listened to his friends in their darkest, direst hour. He did not shout at them or roll his eyes. Instead, he listened to them and cried with them.
According to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand, men listen to women less frequently than women listen to men. Why? Because men consider listening a subordinate act. Women believe listening should be reciprocal in all their relationships. Simply put, the principle is this: I listen now; you listen later. Patient listening makes a person feel respected, validated, and worthy of love. It fosters trust and value and honor.
Letting a person you care about vent is exactly what the patient-listening tool is all about. Whether it’s a frustrated friend or a frazzled wife, sometimes we build the best relationships by learning to listen-just listen.
Here are a few keys to using this tool:
- Make and keep eye contact.
- Cease all other activity. When your loved one wants to talk to you—when she has something very important to talk to you about and needs your undivided attention—make sure you can do that in an atmosphere free of other activity. Going for a walk is a great setting for this kind of listening.
- Speak occasional words of agreement or understanding. While you listen to your loved one, it is good to interject words that communicate that you understand how that person feels.
Thousands of women responded to this question: How can a man become an expert at patient listening? Here are some of their answers: “Solve problems with me, not for me.” “Just listen. Give me a chance to voice my inner thoughts and feelings.” “Listen without offering unsolicited advice or blame.” “If you don’t understand what I’m saying, ask me questions.” “Offer feedback that says you understand what I’m telling you.”
3. Win-Win Tool
The win-win tool helps us to set our own desires aside and give in to our loved ones’ desires more often. It also helps us to value their opinions and how they think.
Achieving a win-win situation means one thing—give and take. In order to build a successful relationship, you must take hold of the truth that a relationship can be successful only if there is give and take.
The win-win tool can be helpful in dealing with a variety of issues within your relationship. Those issues include handling money, how to spend a Friday or Saturday night, how to decorate the house, where to go on vacation, what kinds of hobbies or activities the two of you can share, and—this is a huge one—how to raise children.
I’ve heard it said that if each of you believes he or she is giving more to the relationship than the other, you’ve got it about right. That’s the win-win tool in action…
4. Selfless-Honor Tool
The selfless-honor tool gives us men the ability to think of others first, to see the worth of our loved ones. It also aids us in giving compliments, something that never hurts in our relationships.
Make sure you use the selfless-honor tool … well, selflessly. Don’t honor your loved one or give her compliments with selfish motives.
Renowned cardiologist Dean Ornish, author of Love and Survival, cites forty-five studies in which the research points to an astounding connection between hostility—a lack of selfless honor—and coronary heart disease. In each study, hostility proved to be one of the most important variables in this type of heart condition. He says, “The effects of hostility are equal or greater in magnitude to the traditional factors for heart disease, elevated cholesterol level, high blood pressure, etc. I believe hostility is a manifestation of a more fundamental issue, loneliness and isolation. People who feel lonely and isolated are often angry, causing them to feel even more lonely and isolated in a vicious cycle.”
The selfless-honor tool speaks this loudly, “Let me know that I’m important to you and that my feelings are important to you.”
WARNING: Be careful whom you compliment and affirm.
Many affairs and illicit relationships start because men give well-meaning praise to women. Keep your praise focused on your wife and daughters. Find ways to see them as winners, treasures whom God has put in your life. As you learn to make better use of the selfless-honor tool, your loved one will feel confident and secure, and she will feel a closer connection to you. In addition, you will see her as valuable and will begin to appreciate specific qualities about her.
5. Tender-Touch Tool
The tender-touch tool helps us know the value of a simple hug, embrace, or other kinds of touch. While we should never confuse tender touch with sexual touch of any kind, this relational tool can help us expand our definition of a physical relationship.
The tender-touch tool is as important to the relational toolbox as sandpaper is to the carpenter. Whatever mistakes or rough edges might have been there are easily smoothed with a tender touch. Using touch—hugs, embraces, and gentle touches—communicates your love in a unique way.
One father explained the importance of this tool, as his daughter grew from childhood to adolescence, “At first I figured our cuddling days were over,” Blake said. “But then I started reading about teenage girls and how they seek physical love from other places if they’re not getting hugs from their fathers.” Blake’s eyes were intense now, his voice strong. “There was no way I was going to let that happen to Kelsey.”
The tender-touch tool is a powerful way to enhance your close personal relationships.
6. Time-and-Energy Tool
The time-and-energy tool simply means that you intentionally spend time and energy on your loved one. That can mean a lot of things and take on a lot of different looks. It also helps us value noncompetitive activities with our loved one simply for the joy of being together.
This tool is talking about talking. This means opening up, expressing yourself, expanding your word count, and sharing intimate details—and don’t say you don’t have intimate details—with the person you love.
Some of the many ways we can use the time-and-energy tool are these: taking a walk after work, getting away for a weekend, going somewhere special for a summer vacation, calling each other during breaks at work, doing a puzzle together on a rainy afternoon, playing tennis or golf on a sunny morning, going grocery shopping together, and planning the week’s events together.
Try to spend one hour each week in an activity that is meaningful to someone you love. You can never—and we repeat, never—go wrong using the time-and-energy tool in your relationships.
While these tools are sure to enhance your relationships, there is one key practice that is absolutely essential to keeping a relationship healthy and growing.
Forgiveness
In order to repair—often daily repair—the relationships that matter most to us, we must forgive and be forgiven. We live in a fallen world, and each of us is going to make mistakes that affect not only ourselves but also the people around us—particularly those who are most important to us. For that reason, we need to be ready and able to ask for and receive forgiveness. In fact, a person’s ability to forgive accounted for one-third of the satisfaction within his or her marriage.
There are typically three main roadblocks to forgiveness:
- The inability to see our own mistakes and imperfections. If we are unable to see our own faults and mistakes, how can we possibly move toward forgiveness in our relationships?
- Unresolved anger. Unresolved anger is a major hindrance to the healing power of forgiveness.
- A misunderstanding about what forgiveness is. Finally, many people have great misconceptions about what forgiveness is, and therefore they struggle with it.
Please note that forgiving and forgetting are two different things. It is not possible to totally forget a hurt. William Meninger once wrote these words about forgiveness: “Forgiveness, then, is not forgetting. It is not condoning or absolving. Neither is it pretending nor something done for the sake of the offender. It is not a thing we just do by a brutal act of the will. It does not entail a loss of identity, of specialness, or of face. It does not release the offenders from obligations they may or may not recognize. An understanding of these things will go a long way towards helping people enter into the forgiveness process.”
Forgiveness isn’t a onetime event followed by bliss within a relationship. It is often a process. The first step in the process of forgiveness, according to Menninger, is called “claiming the hurt.” This means acknowledging that the offense was committed and that it caused you pain. It is actually common for the one who has been wronged to feel somewhat responsible for what happened. That person may ask himself or herself, “What could I have done to prevent my hurt?” or “If only I hadn’t . . .” Both thoughts are very normal and necessary in the process of forgiveness.
Anger can also be extremely healthy if it is handled in a healthy way. Anger motivates us to change and take action. It can be like the fuel in the process of forgiveness. It gives us the energy we need to make it through the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the ultimate sign of maturity and love. Forgiveness says that I know you’re not perfect but neither am I, so I choose to love you and forgive you. Now I am free to grow in the magnificence of God. By humbly seeking forgiveness and acknowledging every aspect of wrongdoing on your part, you are taking care of your own responsibilities.
May the Men’s Relational Toolbox serve you well in those relationships you cherish most, as you shoot for the stars!